How to Build Long Lasting Relationships

long lasting relationships

Last Tuesday, I went to my first networking event that wasn’t company sponsored. It was for INROADS, an organization that promotes diversity and connects underserved youth with employers looking for top notch talent. I’m not and wasn’t affiliated with the organization at all, and it was a second annual ALUMNI event, so needless to say, I felt so out of place. How can I build long lasting relationships when I feel so scared to talk to anyone?! I managed to build up the courage to talk to 3 individuals there and in the few minutes of talking to them, they made all the difference in the world in my life. Here is how.

First, I want to point out that I felt so out of place. I was the only Asian in a room full of African Americans. It made me feel like an outsider in a room full of people who knew each other so well.

I didn’t seem to have anything in common with any of them, but I was able to pick off a few people who were alone that I felt comfortable approaching and striking up a conversation. These conversations made all the difference in my life in how I view my relationships with friends.

The First Conversation

I don’t want to give away identities of the people I talked to so let’s call the first person I talked to Sandro.

Sandro was instantly likable. He was going through a Ph.D program and at the age of 31 and I figured he had a tip or two about careers. I asked him if he had any advice for someone who’s barely starting out in the corporate world. 

He started talking about how I shouldn’t expect any apologies from my boss and to build long lasting relationships if I am able to. Then he went on to say that one of his closest friends was a Vice President from a $100B company. What?! I asked him how he met him.

It was during school, the VP was walking and Sandro walked up to him in t-shirt and shorts saying “hey, my name is Sandro, I really just wanted to meet you and introduce myself” and the conversation just flowed from there.

It didn’t end there. He put in a lot of effort to connect with him, asking advice on how to make his resume stand out, asking anything about industry trends with the VP’s current company, and much more.

The relationship escalated to the point where the VP threw a party in his 20k sq. ft mansion for Sandro’s mom.

How to Build Long Lasting Relationships

I got chills just hearing this story. Here was an average guy who GENUINELY wanted to connect with someone and made it happen. I definitely dropped the ball on keeping up with my connections. I frantically changed my ways this past weekend and sent emails to people that I wanted to reconnect with. Through my conversation with Sandro, here are some things that I found that are KEY to building long lasting relationships.

Know the Why

This resonates the most with me. At my college, we were pushed to network, how it was an act that can’t be ignored. It was almost like “if we don’t network, we won’t get a job.”

It’s some of the most terrible advice that I ever received. I understand networking is important when building a career or just in general life, but it gave me the impression that I should view people as someone who can help me, not someone who I want to get to know.

I killed many important relationships as a result. I thought that I should only network to get something out of the person. This is a terrible way to think. The terrible conversations I’ve had with full time professionals show this.

However, I’m glad that I recognized this. Now, the reason why I network is because I want to get to know the other person, not because I want something. It made all the difference in the world with how I interact with my friends and others.

Listen More than You Talk

Would I have been able to know Sandro’s story if I spent more time talking rather than listening and asking questions? No.

I want to say that I LOVE listening. In a given conversation, I want to learn more about the other person so I ask countless questions about themselves and listen.

If I talk more than I listen, then I’m repeating what I already know instead of learning something new. Therefore, I will probably spend 70% of the time listening and 30% of the time talking when I meet someone for the first time or in my conversations with my friends.

Details are Small Things That Have a Gigantic Impact

Sandro said that he knows everything and anything about his bosses. He knows when her birthday is, what food she likes, what format she wants the document to be in, how early she gets into the office, etc.

Then I thought back to my life. I love it and appreciate it when someone remembered my birthday. I appreciated it when they knew what my past work involved and who I worked for.

People love details, that someone is paying attention to them and it makes them feel important. I started to care more about the details in people and wrote down important things about the person.

Add Value, Never Receive More than Give

This one applies to everywhere, not just in building long lasting relationships. Doing something for another person all the while expecting ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in return is noble. Not just noble, something that is respected and appreciated. I used to hate doing something for someone before meeting Sandro.

Why? If I didn’t get something back, I felt like an idiot putting in so much effort for someone who didn’t even care. Then I began to realize that this is the wrong way to think. It isn’t that they don’t care, it’s that maybe they are busy but still appreciate the gesture. I was making an assumption based on what I saw, not what I didn’t see.

Now, I look for ways to add value to the people who are in my life. If I did something that benefitted me, I now think who else in my life could also make use out of it. 

Put in the Effort

I’ve definitely missed the mark on this. I have a list of people in Excel (I can’t keep track of people just in my brain) that I need and want to keep in contact with. I have their name, how I met them, and a few details about themselves (for example, when their birthday is).

Then if the conversation turned out to be great and I liked the person, they will get a phone call from me on their birthday, or other important days.

However, I realized that I need to put in more effort. I usually try to email them once a quarter, but I realized now that that’s too little. Sandro told me to email people once a month or once every two months at a minimum. Otherwise, since they go through meeting so many people, they could easily forget me.

I will be doing exactly that starting today.


Having long lasting relationships is hard work. Effort needs to be there, otherwise it can’t happen. Long lasting relationships can help with careers and being more fulfilled in life. However, the end goal isn’t to build a career or be more fulfilled in life. The end goal is to actually connect with the individual across from you and get to know him or her.

I want to point out that it took me numerous hours to be better at building relationships. I took a class, I read books, I consciously made an effort to talk to strangers in my classes. I used to be scared out of my mind to talk to a stranger but I’m slowly getting accustomed to do so.

Now I’m significantly better at building relationships (though not the best at it). Hopefully you don’t make the same mistakes I did and we can all have better relationships with everybody close to us! 

Readers, do you agree with my tips on having a long lasting relationships? Are there other things that you recommend? Let me know in the comments below!


Finance Solver

I grew my net worth to $40,000 as a college student through hard work, discipline, and a little bit of luck. I graduated college in 2016 and will be starting to plan for my retirement once I start working.I am planning on reaching financial independence by my early 30's and I will document my moments of inspiration all the way to desperation here.

My goal is to enable your success in personal finance so that you can realize the American dream. The first step is starting today!

Read more about me here.

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8 thoughts on “How to Build Long Lasting Relationships

  1. This is something that I really need to work on. I’m good at building relationships with people that I see regularly in person. I’m bad at reaching out to someone I’ve never met to start a conversation and I’m bad at keeping up connections with people who I meet.

    I think I am concerned with coming off as annoying or needy. I suppose I should just go for it and if someone stops responding or comes back with terse responses recognize that as my cue to dial it back, but it is a hard habit to create.

    • I’m like Matt in this respect. I’m really good at developing lasting, deep relationships, but don’t reach out to create new relationships as much as I should. (Though I’m working on changing that).

      I am good at asking a lot of questions and really listening to people, though. To the point that they sometimes tell me more than I should know. 🙂

      • Finance Solver says:

        Listening is always a great trait! My friend told me that I listened way too much and she turned the tables to ask me questions about myself quiet frequently.

        That’s a great goal that you’ve set for yourself Amanda. I’ve only realized recently keeping that relationship intact with people is so important to me. It’s not easy to do but very rewarding!

    • Finance Solver says:

      I’ve been really bad at building relationships as a result of a full time job and this blog. I need to change that soon because I really like keeping the relationships that I currently have. My social life has been limited lately.

      It really is a hard habit to have. I used to think that way too but now I usually don’t let that from stopping me. I don’t know if I come off as annoying or needy but as you said, if someone stops responding is when I actually know. It’s still hard at times but slowly adjusting to it 🙂

    • Finance Solver says:

      Thank you so much Laurie, I appreciate that a lot! I realized that in life, the most important things are keeping relationships intact and thriving. Financial independence is nowhere near the top of that list and thought that I should share how I try to build long lasting relationships!

  2. Fantastic post, FS! You have learned something many people don’t learn until later on in life or sometimes sadly never.

    I used to be an introvert and meeting / connecting with new people was challenge for me early on in my career.

    When I moved over to management, my job role kind of molded my personality to be more extroverted. This transformation has helped me connect with people effectively.

    Happy people are the ones who have great interpersonal relationships.

    Hey, don’t forget to call me on my birthday :).

    • Finance Solver says:

      Thanks Michael! I get a lot of happiness when I have built a great relationship with someone so I think it’s an important skill to learn.

      That’s awesome. Switching from introversion to extroversion is not an easy thing to do. I took the Myers Briggs test and my introversion and extroversion is split evenly with a slight preference to extroversion.

      If you let me know when your birthday is, I won’t forget to call you on that day 😉

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